#note to self
Something that started out as a passing thought this morning kind of grew on me throughout the rest of the day. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that love is the only force that could set someone free. It is cultivating, refining, testing, enduring, and all of what 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says love to be. Cliche and basic concept, but the depth to how much this applies to a person’s life runs deep. Like a plant dependent on water, sunlight and all of these other environmental factors to grow, a person’s soul needs to be nurtured primarily by love to be healed, set free, connected.
I think about how important love is in life and I want to make sure that it is something I have to give and share, even towards myself, as I can’t give what I don’t have. This is so basic but I’ve forgotten it in the midst of the busyness and other things. The fullness of love will never fail in life.
"It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for. It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to know if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine. It doesn’t interest me where you live or how rich you are, I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and be sweet to the ones you love. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments of your life."
- This past month just sort of blended together…. like seriously where did it go.
- My brain has never been so jumbled and thoughts extremely cluttered. I can consider myself very discombobulated at this point, but it’s a good thing because even though I feel like a dumbass, I definitely am farther along than where I was a month ago.
- At the same time, I don’t want to be a workaholic.„ that was pretty much me this week. I don’t really want to be a shopaholic either… that was pretty much me today.
- I have never appreciated sleep so much and having two consecutive days off in a row.
- I love it when the 405 has hardly any traffic around the S curves… it’s the little things.
- I can’t wait to be lying by a pool in 2 months and drinking and eating crepes and a lot of other bomb food. Memorial day weekend will be great.
- After next week, commence the studying of this series 6 test.
Most of our greatest fears are relational. It’s all that stuff about forgiveness and risking rejection and learning to love. We think stories are about getting money and security, but the truth is, it all comes down to relationships.
- Not going to lie, this media limit thing is affecting me. But then again, the lack of limits of media was affecting me too… probably more so than putting limits on it. There is a purpose to this entire thing and I’m not mindlessly doing this for fun. It’s very challenging to let go of things where there’s attachment, especially when it comes to social media. I like having limits to accessing what people are doing for a change though.
- I genuinely feel very exhausted after this week. I literally had no time to sit around all week at work, and at home. I do enjoy learning new things though, but my brain is at its capacity to absorb anything at this point.
- I am super thankful to be writing this in my bed while waiting for my clothes in the washer on a Friday night. I don’t give an F I’m not doing anything with this night. This is how I exactly prefer it.
- Retail therapy makes a hard week feel better.
- Someone in the past week told me I should consider again working directly in psychology because apparently I was “good” at it (whatever psychology I was exercising at that point in time in this conversation). I love the subject and talking about relationships and shit relating to human behavior. But, I don’t want to question what I’m doing right now because it’s something I’m interested in, yet is a bit unrelated to clinical, which was what I was originally going to focus on. What I do like about this field of psychology is the diversity. It’s overwhelming to find something to focus on since it is so broad, but for people like me who like switching things up, especially at this point in my life, the flexibility in being able to apply this in different ways is a strength.
- I want nothing to do with guys at this point. I honestly feel like I can go through my entire 20s not dating multiple people and be fine with it…. too much energy and emotion involved in every beginning and end. I don’t want to deal with it and I hate heartbreak. I’m not that girl to do a fling and be okay with it.
- I’d rather be picky and wait for the right guy and get it right my first try. But I am actually still pretty disappointed by how that whole thing played out. The timing was just never there when there seemed to be some potential. I just realized what I wanted too late and now it all sucks.
- I could also sit here and obsess about why I wasn’t good enough, but ultimately I need to come to terms about the possibility it probably wasn’t meant to be.
- The last few weeks, I have realized I’m smarter than I thought.
- I realized I’m stronger than I thought and I’m also weaker than I thought.
- I want this weekend to go by as slow as possible.
I think the coolest thing I’ve discovered all week (more like today) in the midst of all the sadness and difficulties this entire week threw at me, is the notion I cannot outrun God. I can’t even hide. I look back on my life a year ago and around this time I was in a different place—mind and heart wise. I’m not completely different… I’m pretty sure if you were to talk to me last February and this February, I’m still the same on the surface. It’s more of where my heart and mind are set. It’s all jumbled and twisted and turned, even more so. Not a bad place to be but it’s new ground. I generally feel like I’m this weirdo filled with a bunch of random things you just don’t expect to go together but somehow are there and instilled in me. Not all good things either obviously! But regardless, somehow every time I drift away, God ends up finding me where I am and somehow (very patiently) still continues the good work that began.
I don’t know what else compares to that knowledge where grace covers you farther than you can run, and a love for you extends deeper than the ocean floor. I definitely don’t know those depths as well as I could. But there is literally nothing that can change that love God has; it is entirely and unmistakably unconditional. Even with every doubt, imperfection, failure, mistake or bad day I will have, there is still absolutely nothing that could ever separate me from the love that is in Christ Jesus. Some days, like today, that is all I need to know. Some seasons, like this, that is all I need to remember.
"Art is the one place we all turn to for solace. We turn to it constantly, whether you are listening to music, or pop in a film; you want to escape reality, and if you thinking deeply, you want to engage in art in a complex way. Art allows us to navigate the more complicated parts of our lives in a way that is more palpable. We don’t go to the movies just to see a movie; we go for the experience. I’m very interested in the experience. Art has saved my life on a regular basis. I wanted to offer that experience to children, to enlist them, to show them the possibilities that are in the arts, to persuade them to pursue it for both their own personal salvation and for changing the way we are understood."
I’ve pretty much engraved into my piano every strong emotion I’ve felt and needed to release. It’s almost like the drum set I never permanently had. I’ve decided that piano specifically is going to be in my actual home that I own… Since it’s kinda like a loyal friend. But I hope that by that time, it’s tuned because it’s far from being in tune at this point.