I’ve been through these emotions before but in different circumstances. The pain is thicker and enduring in this case, and it all finally peaked this weekend. I’m glad there is a resolution to this because it was eating at me for the longest time while you were very likely oblivious. I’ve tried a thousand times to walk away without telling you exactly what was going on. But briefly explaining in readers digest terms what’s been happening in my head and you directly explaining what needed to happen from here was enough in spite of my call probably blindsiding you trying to scramble for words. I am not going to lie, I’m fricken heartbroken this didn’t work out and I’m fricken heartbroken over what you said. I haven’t cried this much since my grandpa passed away 4 years ago. I can’t help but think maybe I am the only one who still had flashbacks to 9 months ago and that I was the only one left who still cared. The hardest realization I face with this is knowing I thought more about you so much more than you did about me. Maybe things could’ve been explained better this weekend, but it was enough to get across the main point of what I needed to know. I’m glacially pacing in coming to terms there will be no “we” or “us” and that I’ll be finally be fine. Beyond all that, we can be friends somehow again.
I thoroughly believe that this time, time will also finally begin to heal the confusion, ache and damage. But in all honesty, this is the first weekend since you left where I don’t miss you.